April 29, 2015

Blog, Motherhood


"Get Your Dad On!"

“Get Your Dad On!”


Dads for the majority of time get a bad rap,  in fact the poor bastards for the majority of their days are fighting a losing battle when it comes to knowing “best” when it comes to parenting, as us Mums (rightly and wrongly depending on what kind of day/sleepless night we have had) rule the roost when  it comes to anything baby.

However, I am here to reveal that us Mums are missing a bloody trick of the Dad variety and that the key to our mum shaped lives being less stressful, less guilt ridden and less knackering is in fact by being more Dad!

Yes, ladies it’s time we channeled our Alpha male, plugged into our testosterone channel and pulled a on a pair of big dad pants (sexy!)

Here’s how to inject more dad into your life:

Leave the House 

YES, just leave the house, no bag in tow, no unnecessary baby paraphenaila.  No worries.  No problem and no chance your “morning outing” has now turned into your afternoon one as you are so bogged down with baby crap that you can’t get out the bloody door!  SERIOUSLY, watching my beloved leave the house with my tinier beloved on a recent outing was a totally bloody epiphany, here is how his check list went:

  • Tiny Human – check!
  • Nappy – check!
  • Wipes – check!
  • Pre made bottle – check!
  • Beer money – check!
  • Jacket with pockets to put it all in – check!

Out the door in 5 seconds flat.  Ok, so thats a lie, more like 15 mins after asking me where the nappies were, but STILL he knocked the shit out of my attempts at leaving the house with my baby bag that includes everything we would need if, heaven forbid a natural disaster hit, Aliens landed or Zombies attacked leaving us homeless and all Tescos looted of nappies and wipes as far as the eye can see (we live in Shropshire!).  Yes ladies, we need to up our game when it comes to leaving the house with less crap and replace it with the most important thing (apart from baby) on the dads check list – beer money – good God why have I not thought of this before?

Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff

By the small stuff I mean your small Tiny Human.  Apparently in this hip new world of getting your “Dad on”, no one is going to call Esther Rantzon if you don’t give your tiny human a bubble bath every night or even if you commit the sin of all sins and leave it a few nights.  I’ve also made the revelation that its ok if you don’t have the monitor turned up to a volume level that you (and all hard of hearing folk within a 3 mile radius to your house) can monitor every slight movement your baby makes throughout the night.  In fact, in this brave new world, where testosterone not boobs rule the roost, you don’t even need a bloody monitor as you can just leave the door of their nursery ajar instead – who knew!?  The list of crap we worry ourselves with as mums goes on forever, however, in the world of Dad, not so much.  Yes, I know – Total bloody bliss!

Guilt Free ‘Me’ Time

BULLSHIT! I hear you shout and yes, I hear ya sister! How-the-f***-ever, why the hell not?  Why the hell should we not be able to get our knackered little mitts on some of this guilt free good stuff and enjoy ourselves guilt free like the pioneering men in our lives? There is no reason.  Yes, I know the biatch that is Mummy guilt is whispering her propaganda in your ear, attesting the opposite and making you believe that any time spent on things other than dirty bums, pureeing mush, wheels on the bus re-runs and scraping human shit out of your nails, then you are a selfish bitch whore of a mother.   Well to hell with it and to hell with you Mother Nature, as you know what? Some days the only thing I want to be scraping out of my unmanicured nails is the chocolate remains from an afternoon tea, or the left over salt from a tequila slammer.  In fact anything other than another persons poo (even if I grew that aforementioned person). Ladies, grad hold of this awesome pearl of Daddy wisdom and realise that you too deserve some quality time.  You too are a person independent of the needs of your little one and like the Dad in your life, remember that your little one is not going to be scarred for life because you took an hour out to go for a swim/sleep/walk/whatever the hell you want.

The Delayed Response Manoeuvre 

Good God who knew that the speed of light had nothing on the speed a new mum can travel across a Mega Blocks littered nursery to stem the bleed of a scream?  Oh yes,  we are all over the shit that is responding to the needs of our little ones with the efficiency that can only be likened to the speed with which we can now crack open, pour and gulp a glass of vino at the end of the day (or mid morning, depending on the shit that has already gone down!)  However, have you ever asked yourself why?  OK, I know the immediate response is “Well of course, I get to my crying baby as quickly as possible”  but why the panic? As the men in our lives seem to operate on more of a wait and delay response.  You see, whilst we are speeding across our bedrooms with our feet barely disturbing the thread of the carpet, panic rising from our gut to the back of our throats, our other halves are yet to emerge from the covers let alone put on their pj bottoms, pick up a bottle and saunter (in comparison to the mum on speed) to answer the needs of the Tiny Human.  And you know what I realised as I watched this delayed response my hubby has mastered? No one died.  Our little one got their milk and cuddles (all be it a few moments later than usual) and guess what? They went back to sleep, whilst my hubby sauntered back in and did the same.  All whilst I lay wide awake swimming in a mix of panic and awe at how the men in our life function so differently to us Mums.  Most importantly, I realised that we need to take a leaf out their book, give ourselves a break and realise that just because we don’t perform at lightning speed and answer every beck and call in a nano second that we are not failing and the world is not going to come to an end!

Take a Shower Without Asking

Yes, I know, I know, taking a shower without having to ask permission or make an “official”announcement is the unicorn of life as a mum…You want to believe in the possibility of it existing but are yet to see evidence of it!  I am here to tell you, it does exist and is being ridden daily by your other half!  Come on girls utter the magical and affirmative words of “Honey, I’m off for a shower” and ride that Unicorn of bliss that is taking a shower without asking.  Grab your towel and indulge in a nice, hot shower you haven’t had to ask permission to take.  What about the kids?  Don’t worry, just like they do with you, they will soon let their needs be known to your other half.

Give less of a Shit!

That snide woman at playgroup made some shitty remark about you still breastfeeding?  That mum at the school gates gave you and your child a funny look during a tantrum? The mum otherwise known as the “Rhyme Time Biatch Face”  made another cutting remark?  Ladies, this is where we need to get all Daddy.  You see, the men in our lives, not only don’t give a shit about this type of shit, they don’t even notice it exists!  It goes completely under their radar and even if it happens to penetrate their conciousness, they do not award it with anything but a moments acknowledgement (whether that be disdain, anger or ambivalence) and then move on. Unlike us, who can recall the exact date, time, and GPS location on the playground the incident took place. LET IT GO!  MOVE ON! Lets all be more Dad!

You don’t have to look “hot” to have sex

Contrary to popular belief or should I say the crap thats shoved down our throats from as early as we can say “Just Seventeen” or “More” magazine, we don’t have to look like Giselle to get our leg over with our other half.  As amazing and “sexy” it would be to have every miscellaneous hair on your post baby body, trimmed and in place.  Tanned legs and manicured digits all ready and prepared for a night of hot sex, lets face it, you could be (and probably are) waiting a hell of a bloody long time before any of that shit gets done and you and your nether regions get any action.  Therefore, let’s be more Dad about it and just get down to it.  Regardless of what you feel you look like, how out of shape you feel or how long its been since any personal admin took place, remember you have already pulled.  He is living with you and will be wanting to have sex with you regardless of all the crap you tell yourself as he loves you and thinks your hot!

So what are you waiting for you glorious lot?  Go find your biggest, sexiest Daddy pants, pull em up and Be More Dad!  Go on I double Dad dare you!