March 23, 2016

Blog, Lifestyle, The Baby Bible

Read the Parenting book too “real” and “risky” to be published here

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Okay so as promised here is the first instalment of the book “The No Bullshit Guide to Motherhood” deemed too “real” to be published – Hope you enjoy!!!

 

The Baby Bible: The No Bullshit Guide to Motherhood

Welcome to The No Bullshit Mum Revolution

A letter from the Author

To my fellow fabulous No Bullshit Mum,

If, like me you would like to take back ownership of your life and vagina and give a big “UP YOURS” to anyone who dares to pass judgement on you, your baby, your post baby body, your parenting skills and all the other motherhood bullshit no one dared warn you about, then you my fabulous friend are in the right place.

Welcome to The Baby Bible and the No Bullshit Mum Revolution supporting all Mums– NO JUDGEMENT.

Wherever you have managed to stash your tiny human in order to gain an extra five minutes to visit the sanctuary of this book, I commend you. Long may the freedom to browse without having to feed a screaming mouth, wipe a bum or swipe away sticky hands continue.

I’m Olivia.  A mum of two, fighting the terror of being out-numbered by my tiny humans running amok through my once (semi) organised life and dealing with the daily uphill struggle that is Post Natal Depression (Yes, I didn’t see that one coming when feeling smugly prepared during my first pregnancy).

You see, that is what epitomises Motherhood. Just when you dare to think you are winning the battle and allow yourself to be a smidgen bit smug along comes a quick punch in the face to hurtle you back down to reality and crawling towards the nearest open bottle of wine or pack of biscuits.

Don’t worry you are not alone. Both myself and all fellow No Bullshit Mums are right here with you. That’s what The Baby Bible is all about. This is our place, our sanctuary and our safe haven where we share our thoughts and experiences of motherhood – NO JUDGEMENT.

Long live cocktail hour, inappropriate heels and amazing, straight talking friends,

Halle-bloody-lujah!

Olivia xxx

 

Part B: The “unqualified” Mother

Okay so before you begin reading this book you need to bear in mind the following:

1) I am not an “expert” or at least not a recognised one in the field of parenting. I do not have a Title before my name or a series of letters after it.  However, I am an “expert” in struggling through motherhood with two tiny humans, juggling toddler tantrums whilst feeding on demand through cracked nipples on 30 minutes solid sleep and a battle with postnatal depression.

2) I am not against the muted tones and expert advice from the parenting books that already grace the shelves, (hell I’ve read a few of them). However, I think there is room for another voice up there on the shelf next to them.  Yes, this voice may be more of the straight talking with a splash of leopard print tone, but a voice that should be heard in equal measure, none the less.

3) For that, which I lack in  “expertise” I more than make up for in honest, straight talking, hilarious and non-judgemental chatter about all areas of motherhood.  Oh yes, no motherhood stone is left unturned and no motherhood bullshit left unchallenged.  You see this is what I was sick to the back teeth of when I became a mum.  All the wishy-washy unrealistic views of motherhood and all the bullshit and judgement mums had to go through because of it.

4) No Mum is an island and to demonstrate this, alongside my thoughts on motherhood you will also be treated to advice from a number of No Bullshit Mums.  They are not “experts” either but they have pushed a tiny human out of their vagina or had them pulled out of their stomach, so thats bloody expert enough for me!

5) I rant.  I use the words vagina, fuck and shit A LOT (although not always in that order).  I talk unashamedly about vagina trout pouts, post baby poos, having another humans puke in my mouth and the mother fucker of all mother fuckers that is Postnatal Depression.  I basically talk about all the shit no one else is willing to tell you about or is only brave enough to skirt around the edges of.  I instead stand up and say let’s all stop being parenting pussies and instead embrace them for what they are – the realities of motherhood which we would all be better prepared for motherhood if we knew about them beforehand.  And finally number

6) Fuck it all.  Yes I mean it.  All the bullshit that is driving you crazy, all the mummy guilt trips that are pushing you to your edge and all the pressures you put yourself under to be the “perfect” mum  and the mummy “expert” – fuck it all.  Instead take it from me that you are bloody amazing.  Yes, just as you are.  No matter how long it’s been since you last “washed” your hair with anything other than dry shampoo.  No matter how short your temper is because you haven’t had more than 2 hours of God damn sleep.  No matter how imperfect your life now seems when measured up against your pre baby vision of how life as a mum would be, just you hold on to this fact – You are already the perfect mum for your glorious, milk scented, chubby legged Tiny Human and regardless of all the other bullshit that is thrown at you, you BLOODY ROCK!

WELCOME TO THE NO BULLSHIT MUM REVOLUTION!

 

Book introduction: “Holy Shit. I am Now the Owner of a Tiny Human!”

 

“PRETTY PLEAAASSSEEEE!! Shut the F%*k Up!!!”

“If he doesn’t get off his arse and offer to change a nappy, sterilise the bottles or run me a bath I will be getting off mine to organise a divorce or a hit man”

“Shit, that’s shit on my finger”

“I used to be a successful career woman, so why can’t I put up this piece of crap buggy”

“Is this really my life?!?”

“Shit, that’s shit in my hair”

“How the hell did I end up here?!?”

“I will have another one when the thought of it doesn’t make me want to gouge my eyes out with a blunt spoon”

“Shit, that really is shit in my hair”

Ok, so I have your attention.  Did you think for a moment I had managed to get inside your brain and hear the things you find yourself screaming, if only inside your head at least ten times a day?  Don’t worry there is no need to panic or feel (too) violated, you see, I know all these things as I find them swimming around in my head and blurting themselves into reality, usually through my wine quenched mouth at any chance I get or any chance the confidence of two glasses of wine creates!  Welcome my friend to the world of being a mum!

A truly paradoxical universe where, everything is amazing and shitty at the same time.  A place where, alongside being in awe at the energy of the universe, you are in equal awe of how your body is still functioning on such a lack of it.  If only you had followed your brain and vacated the building at the first sign of a dirty nappy, you could now be holidaying with your emotions and rationality in a bijous retreat called crazy.

Is this all a little too brash and honest?  Am I making you feel queasily uncomfortable as the recognition of familiarity sinks in with my words?

I do hope so, as this is exactly my intention.  It is about time us women own up to the fact that alongside being awesome mums juggling the world and its babies, we also have the right to unashamedly speak about how bloody hard and exhausting it is.

How we worry every single day that we may cause the unintentional death of our baby, that one of our greatest fears is “They” will realise “They’ve” made a huge mistake and want the baby back (we have no idea who “They” actually are but in our heads they resemble well organised and official looking super mums breastfeeding and baking simultaneously and making the rest of us feel like shit).

It’s true that we do have horrible thoughts, that we do sometimes want our babies to shut the F*%k up and that regularly we do want to bury the bread knife into our partners skull as he leaves every morning to re-join the world at large.  Whilst we are left behind to clean the house and keep the tiny human alive (at least until aforementioned husband returns from civilisation).

Admit it, how many times have you gone to share any of these deep seated thoughts and fears about your new mum shaped life and then stopped yourself for fear of sounding crazy, ridiculous and heaven forbid like an unstable and neurotic mum who needs to hand over your baby to “Them” for adoption before you screw up your child forEVER! (I still have no idea who “They” or “Them” are).

This, my fabulous new friend, is where I come in.  If there is an honest, straight talking and sporadically witty shaped hole in your life I am here to fill it.  To scream with, moan at and at times bring you back from the brink of new mum hysteria, purely by knowing that you are not a sole passenger on this runaway train called motherhood.

I am on a one woman mission to unearth what I am calling the “Dirty Little Secrets of Motherhood”, by hanging out all our dirty linen and airing all the taboos and uncomfortable subjects we are dealing with since becoming a mum.  My aim being to make us all feel less useless, less guilty, less paranoid and more like our old selves, if only for ten minutes,  Hall a blinking loo yaah!!!

Like you, I’ve been there, hell I am there!  I am in or have been in the same place as you are right now, last week, and next month.  Pre baby, I was feeling smugly prepared for motherhood. I had read all the great pregnancy books, spoke to my friends with children and watched numerous toe curling programs on child birth.  I was swollen to the size of a hippo on steroids, smug as a politician with a huge expenses claim and thinking come on Mother Nature do your worst!  Holy hell, what was my poor deluded and rotund self, thinking!?!

As soon as I had pushed my baby and any smidgen of dignity I had left out and into this world, along with it came the little thing called harsh reality, as it suddenly dawned on me that through all the pre baby prep, I had stupidly missed the chapter dealing with the shocking subjects that were now part of my everyday life.  “How could this be possible?” I heard the remnants of my old smug self, ask in a slightly desperate and hysterical tone.

Newsflash! This chapter does not exist and don’t expect your female counterparts to shed any light or sanity either.  The sadistic twist is that none of us are talking about them, let alone admitting them for fear of being judged and kicked off the show before it has even begun.

Therefore, once the standard books are read and notes taken, where do you turn to, to discuss the more uncomfortable and leg crossing topics that we sometimes feel are either too personal and taboo or make us sound too much of a crazy head case to actually admit out loud to even our closest of friends?

You know the subjects I mean, the ones that lie dormant in the back of your brain only to start the party as your head hits the pillow, keeping you awake between feeds.  The ones that lurk just behind your ear drip feeding you their worries throughout the day, making you question everything you do, say and feel.  They’re the evil dark thoughts that at best make you feel pathetic and at worst like a useless human and incapable mum.  Enough is enough, we need to claim back our bodies and brains from this hell and simply get brave and face them head on!

Hence (excuse the predictable pun)……The Baby Bible was born!

A series of chats tackling the unspoken subjects head on that you are too tired, too scared (or both) to admit to yourself let alone anyone else.

From the horror of your first post baby poo to the inevitable question of “Where the hell did my life go?” and all the taboo and unspoken worries and fears in-between.  Consider this as your “place” The place you can come to, to feel reassured that you are not alone out there in an abyss of other perfectly dressed mums of the year.  The place where talking about your deepest fears and anxieties is purely common place as we are all there with you.

Hold on to your stitches and ice packs it’s going to be one hell of a ride!