April 30, 2015

Blog, Post Natal Depression

Why I’m Happy to be Fed Up!

IMG_1173

“Bring it on Grumpy Pants!”

 

Wow it feels good to be fed up!

I am not only happy but relieved, excited and quite frankly over the bloody moon to be able to welcome back my old friends grumpy pants and fed-up-to-the-back teeth into my life.  You see, I haven’t seen them for a while, in fact two whole years without a sign of them, nothing, nada, zip.  I have to admit I’ve missed seeing their surly little faces and downturned lips warranting me in need of a duvet day and re-runs of The Real Housewives.

You see, both buggered off after being made redundant to something much more highly qualified than themselves.  Unfortunately, this something or someone was not Little Miss insanely happy, skipping through fields of blossom with sunshine beaming out of her ass.  Oh no, they both had their asses kicked by the new bad boy in town known as PND and have been running scared ever since.

You can’t blame them.  I don’t.  After a two year battle with the bastard that is Postnatal Depression I too wish I could have ran for the hills and escaped from the PND that highjacked and then took up residence in both the life of mine and my family’s.  But no such luck, I unlike my miserable duvet day bed fellows was in it for the long haul.

However, they are now back and I know this because just the other day when I was slumped on the sofa feeling sorry for myself and totally fed up, I also felt something else that I wasn’t expecting to feel.  Pure, unadulterated relief!  As I lay there, recognising some of the usual warning “signs” of my PND paying a visit, I realised that I wasn’t being taken to the next level.  It wasn’t the start of anything more sinister and it wasn’t going to develop into a downward spiral dumping me into a pit of despair.Oh no, I was just your bog standard, run-of-the-mill fed up and I couldn’t of been happier.

Feeling “fed-up” or a bit down, was something that, pre PND, I hated and would do anything to snap myself out of.  However, now after experiencing and knowing the difference between feeling low v’s suffering with depression, I am acutely aware that no amount of “snapping” will eradicate it or bounce me back to my usual chirpy self.   You see, before now, these feelings of lowness and a sudden dip of mood would quickly escalate into a dark and ugly world of debilitating anxiety and fear.  The sickening feeling of dread and self loathing would consume me, stop me in my tracks and leave me unable to function from hours to days depending on how long or powerful the spell.  It sucked every last drop of joy and happiness out of anything I touched and left me trapped in an empty chasm showing me the v’s as it headed for the door and back into the life I should have been enjoying.

For the moment this is no longer the case….For the first time since I can remember I now know how it feels to be just fed up, nothing more, nothing less.  And it feels bloody brilliant.  Therefore, I am going to embrace it in all its normal and un extraordinary glory, flick PND the v’s with one hand whilst tuning my grumpy ass face to an afternoon of tv re runs and biscuits with the other.

God it feels good to be fed up!