March 6, 2017
Time is Going too Damn Fast!
Ohhhh I have the bad case of the Monday Glums….Just got back from the nursery drop off and both my Tiny Humans kept telling me they didn’t want to go and instead wanted to “stay with you mummy”….It took 15 mins with my eldest to settle her into her class with her holding my hand tightly throughout and telling me she didn’t want me to leave her. Luckily by this point my littlest Tiny Human had settled herself into her big sisters class and was like “mummy who?!” But MAN OH MAN, Its tough when they seem worried or upset about going somewhere and I have to admit it took all I had to stop myself from picking her up, bundling her and her lil sis back in the car and heading to the park instead!
It also got me thinking about this September when my eldest will be at school EVERY day….EVERY day! I just can’t get my head around the fact that we won’t be the masters of our own days anymore and that on a whim park dates and puddle jumping or PJ and movie days won’t be the standard norm, that we will instead be governed by a proper schedule. And it scares me, it scares me that time is moving too fast, that days are skipping by and soon my Tiny Humans will not be so Tiny. Our world of just the three of us getting through each day together, the tantrums, the painting, the picnics, the screaming, the negotiating, the dress up, the last minute adventures and the gloriously, chaotic, magical, crazy, exhausting and wonderful world that we have been living in for the last 4 years together will be changed and this time that we are living now, we will never be able to have again, never be able to re create it.
I’m sat here typing this and covering my keyboard in tears as it has suddenly hit me that this never-ending time in Motherhood isn’t in fact never-ending, that it is going to come to an end and change and become something different. That their feelings for me are going to change, I will not always be the centre of their universe even though they will continue to be the centre of mine. Its made me feel guilty, questioning if I’ve made enough of the time we’ve already spent together, its consumed me with guilt that I went back to work when Eva was 10 months old and she went into day care, its made me start calculating all the days I can’t now get back and I kid you not on the drive home from work I was counting up the hours of the week that they are not with me and trying to figure out a way I can do all the things I need to do for work and reduce their hours so they are with me more. As all of a sudden I feel that there is a ticking clock counting down the hours until September and this new schedule and new way of life. That the egg timer has been turned and there is nothing I can do to stop those damn grains of sand falling.
I know that this is life, the way the world turns. The logical and practical side of my brain is telling me that they in fact love going to pre school, that this morning was the first wobble she’s ever had about going and that they are flourishing thanks to having a great home life with mummy and daddy and being introduced to new social experiences at nursery. That mummy having other interests outside of being a mum, is healthy and vital and that mummy trying to achieve her own ambitions is providing an importat message and role model for them. But on days like today, I want to say to hell with logic and practical, lets pull them out of nursery, forget my own dreams and ambitions and the fact that I need to put the washing on, hoover the lounge and wipe the jam hand prints off the coffee table and instead just be together.
Being a Mum is hard, wonderful, challenging, chaotic, heartbreaking, magical and going too damn fast!
Big shout out to any other mum or dad feeling a bit of an emotional wreck at the moment thinking about their Tiny Human not being so Tiny – I am right there with you!
The No Bull Mum xxxx